<![CDATA[Hello Computer]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.comhttps://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!5ykk!,w_256,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2047de1a-42c3-49b8-b81d-528138b8d1f3_256x256.pngHello Computerhttps://hellocomputer.substack.comSubstackSun, 12 Jul 2026 14:33:36 GMT<![CDATA[Merry time of year]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/merry-time-of-yearhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/merry-time-of-yearFri, 22 Dec 2023 20:12:10 GMT
The aurora borealis over New Brighton Lighthouse.
The aurora borealis over New Brighton Lighthouse.

Captain’s Log

Seasons Peteings! Whatever you’re into over the next few days, be it Yuletide, Queermas, Christmas, fighting with family or resting with friends I hope you have fun.

I’ve posted a year-in-review blog post on my photography portfolio site and a Reel to Instagram, if that’s more your thing.

Thank you for your support in 2023. I’m going to take a couple of weeks off to rest and I’ll see you in 2024.

Transporter room

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Pledge your support to this newsletter or drop a tip in the tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

]]><![CDATA[Autistic and struggling, or righteous and arrogant?]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/autistic-and-struggling-or-righteoushttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/autistic-and-struggling-or-righteousSun, 17 Dec 2023 17:24:16 GMT
Just after sunset, at dusk, there is a pink glow in the sky. The moon is rising and there is snow covering the promenade by the River Mersey.
Just after sunset, at dusk, there is a pink glow in the sky. The moon is rising and there is snow covering the promenade by the River Mersey.

Captain’s Log

Hello! I’ve lost count of how many weeks it’s been now with my foot issue. One joint heals, and another becomes painful. I’m on my 3rd joint issue down there but the doctors can’t do much because going to A&E is a 9-hour wait. Wow. Medication and rest. It is doable as I’ve now finished all my commissioned photography for 2023. It’s been a great year. Financially, it’s still a struggle, but the things I’ve seen have been fascinating. Double in 2024 and I’ll be OK.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from various snowy days.

In a small park snow covers the ground and the trees. There is a feint orange glow in the sky.
In a small park snow covers the ground and the trees. There is a feint orange glow in the sky.

Stuff!

Christmas Prints! There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

For subscribers there’s 30% off with coupon code: HelloComp23

If you enjoy this newsletter you can pledge your support. If enough people do so I’ll feel confident enough to enable subscriptions and feed my cats.

As the sunrises the sky is filled with deep red colours and clouds. Across the River Mersey there are buildings and homes covered with snow.
As the sunrises the sky is filled with deep red colours and clouds. Across the River Mersey there are buildings and homes covered with snow.

Autistic and struggling, or righteous and arrogant?

While watching the Doctor Who episode “The Giggle” I saw myself. Not in the Doctor or a companion, as I’ve previously discussed, but in the outraged humans. If you haven’t seen the episode there’s a MacGuffin that makes everyone believe they are right about everything and they’re not afraid to share those opinions. Everything outrages them and they push back hard. That’s where I felt seen, and it made me uncomfortable.

The episode was clever in that it didn’t take sides about who was right or wrong. The issue was with everyone feeling righteous. I certainly don’t feel like I’m walking around on a high horse, which is a neat trick to pull off, believing that I’m right about everything. I do walk around calling out what I believe to be issues though. The Quantum Leap lifestyle, “striving to put right what once went wrong.”

Cars parked on the pavement causing havoc for disabled people. Photographers using colonial photography terms like shoot, take, or capture. People calling me Sir. How can they not see I’m no sir? I mean, really. Someone not recycling correctly. Saying “with autism” instead of “autistic person”. Someone walking too close to me during an airborne pandemic. No one in the medical centre wearing a mask, even though it’s the place for Covid boosters. The person pronouncing supposedly supposebly. Arg! Why does everyone have to be different? My life would be much easier if they listened to me.

Hmm. Not good.

Since learning that I’m disabled and that non-binary is how I want to identify I’ve been on a bit of an activist streak. This very newsletter is a way for me to share these sides of my life with people so they can better understand, but it was never about me saying I was right. It was always about putting thoughts out there. Share not preach. Looking back, I wonder how many of these newsletters are a reaction to being outraged.

It’s tough to control. I’m sure my ADHD makes me notice too many things and then my autistic side overthinks them all. Or maybe it’s the result of being on social media for over a decade, or reading the news where everyone has an opinion? I’d like to think that it was a recent change for me due to these factors, but I was a massive dick before social media.

I’ve argued on so many forums in my time because I struggle with empathy. Everything makes perfect sense to me. If I can just find the right words in the right order, they’ll get it. I know I’m right. Why don’t they get it? People would tell me that what I have is an opinion, not a fact and that you can’t tell someone their opinion is wrong. I would reply with “Well, in my opinion, I’m right and you can’t say that’s wrong because it’s only an opinion.” This led to a healthy image of egotistical dick because I was an egotistical dick.

I’ve argued with friends, with random people on the internet all night because they were “wrong” and I’ve lost friends because I “stuck to my guns”. I left a photography group because I believed what I was doing was right and they were all wrong. Months of arguing, me not backing down, and tears. Now I avoid those people because I don’t know how to be around them. So many people I don’t know how to be around. Autism? Arrogance? Arse?

If it were just an autistic trait I would still be that person, but I’ve grown over the years as I’ve learnt more about being autistic. Having a healthy understanding of what issues may affect me means I try harder to keep them in check. I often fail, but at least with hindsight, I can see where I’ve gone wrong rather than double down on arrogance. Yet, watching Doctor Who I realised that I’m still that person only with the backing of social justice instead of “that photo is not sharp.” I surround myself with like-minded people providing me with the necessary confirmation bias to go “See, see! This! They said it too, thus I’m right.”

But but but but the betterment of society? Cars block wheelchairs when parked on pavements. Gender-neutral toilets are good. Masks are good. Reply guys on social media are dicks. I must reply to them and tell them not to reply! Over-processed HDR photography is bad, despite me righteously promoting it once upon a time, I’m now righteously saying it’s bad. I’m trying to do good. Aren’t I?

Maybe none of this matters and I’m autistically overthinking. Maybe I’m being “too” autistic about the entire thing, whatever being “too” autistic is. Maybe I want the dopamine hit from being right? This is the thing about being autistic. No one gave me a manual on how to exist in the world. Everyone else seems to get it. They seem to operate in the social world without a second thought about their actions. I have to question, debate, analyse, overthink, and discuss whether I’m overthinking or not. My life’s work is struggling with how to make my life work.

How do you deal with something you perceive to be bad and try to fix it? If someone says they’re playing a video game by someone you perceive to be toxic, what do you do? Do you spit your coffee all over them, tell them how wrong they are about the world and that they better cancel it before you cancel them? Do you let it all go and practice mindfulness in the hope the other person somehow comes to a better conclusion? Is the best way forward to show another way of debating, and fighting, by letting it all go? I’ve pondered this before with the idea of emotions being communicable via social media. Maybe that is all we can do? Accept that responding in kind is not a way forward and respond with humility instead. That, or maybe going into the next room and shouting the c-word into a pillow 20 times.

As I’m writing this on a bus I’m reminded of a mental health trick. You can’t control who comes onto the bus, but you can control your response. When outraged, control your response. It feels impossible to do in the modern world. Just this week Threads algorithm showed me the outrage at photographers discussing street photography. A social media algorithm can’t tell the difference between outrage and useful engagement. So these things are pushed in our faces. It’s so hard to break free when it feels like there are outrageous things everywhere.

Seeing an extreme version of myself in Doctor Who has made me question how I try and do good. I thought I was helping, maybe I’m not?

Christmas is coming and it’s the most problematic time of the year. So, while I don’t know what’s best maybe someone else does.

During a deep red sunrise a ship heads out the River Mersey while birds fly. There is a light dusting of snow on the rocks.
During a deep red sunrise a ship heads out the River Mersey while birds fly. There is a light dusting of snow on the rocks.

Transporter room

As the sky turns purple a person walks along the river bed of the Mersey while the tide is out. It’s a cold morning and there is a dusting of snow on the rocks.
As the sky turns purple a person walks along the river bed of the Mersey while the tide is out. It’s a cold morning and there is a dusting of snow on the rocks.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Pledge your support to this newsletter or drop a tip in the tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

]]><![CDATA[Seeing trans non-binary representation on prime-time TV in Doctor Who]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/seeing-trans-non-binary-representationhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/seeing-trans-non-binary-representationSun, 10 Dec 2023 16:01:59 GMT
At dusk the sky is purple and reflected in an ice-covered lake. In the distance there are mountains covered in snow.
At dusk the sky is purple and reflected in an ice-covered lake. In the distance there are mountains covered in snow.

Captain’s Log

Hello! I hope you are swell. While on a recent photography commission where I was a little worried about being openly queer, a woman at the event came over and said “You look amazing.” A total stranger. I hope I never become used to the kindness of strangers. It’s such a pleasant surprise. People can genuinely be kind, for no reason.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a wander around Eryri, North Wales back in 2010.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

A snow covered landscape with telegraph poles running through the hills.
A snow covered landscape with telegraph poles running through the hills.

Stuff!

Christmas Prints! There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

For subscribers, there’s 30% off with coupon code: HelloComp23

Pledges If you enjoy this newsletter you can pledge your support. If enough people do so I’ll feel confident enough to enable subscriptions and feed my cats.

A person stands at the edge of a frozen lake. There are mountains in the distance.
A person stands at the edge of a frozen lake. There are mountains in the distance.

Seeing trans non-binary people on prime-time TV in Doctor Who

You may have heard that in the Russell T. Davis re-reboot of Doctor Who, aka NuWho2 or RTD2, a fantastic trans character appears. On a prime-time BBC flagship TV show, there’s a trans character. Not just a character, but one played by a trans actor. Holy representation Batman. There’s a phrase used by under-represented minority groups, “You can’t be what you can’t see.” The people behind Doctor Who, especially Russell T. Davis, proudly and loudly said “We see you. Let’s show the world you being you.”

In the context of the show, maybe they didn’t need to do this. They could have had a character just be another random person off the street that the Doctor bumped into. I’m sure the show would have worked fine as it has other iterations. Instead, they chose to be an ally. They chose to have a trans actor play a trans character on screen. They did it with love and authenticity. Did they need to do this for the 60th anniversary of Doctor Who? No, but maybe yes? To quote the show itself;

“I do what I do because it’s right! Because it’s decent! And above all, it’s kind! It’s just that. Just kind. If I run away today, good people will die. If I stand and fight, some of them might live. Maybe not many, maybe not for long. Hey, you know, maybe there’s no point to any of this at all. But it’s the best I can do. So I’m going to do it.” - 12th Doctor

They absolutely did it. If you want an idea of what being a trans/non-binary person is like, oddly Doctor Who: The Star Beast, is a sort of good introduction. It touches on the human everyday aspects of being trans, family and how the world reacts to you. The show took time to discuss deadnaming, which is a tough subject to tackle. Being out in public can be tough. You go out for milk and people stare, photograph you, make comments and deadname you. You just wanted to get milk. The reality of changing your identity is not everyone can handle that. Maybe one day they will.

There’s a beautiful exchange between people where they get Rose’s pronouns wrong. I say beautiful because it’s a real human experience. Her nan makes a mistake when talking about Rose to her daughter. “When I say she looks gorgeous, is that right? I mean is it sexist? I never said it to him when he was-… Oh, oh sorry.” She gets flustered and apologises. It’s very human because we’re all flawed cocktails of half-forgotten things, muscle memory and ideas we’ve unconsciously picked up. I’ve been trying for decades to stop saying “Oh my god!” as I’m not religious, and yet at 45 I still say it. Change is hard, for everyone. The show is telling everyone, it’s hard and complex and sometimes messy, but just be patient and be kind.

Later in the episode, there is a much bigger moment relating to non-binaryness. It’s hard to discuss without spoiling it, so SPOILER WARNING.

The Doctor is non-binary!

“…the Doctor’s male and female and neither and more.”

That’s how I feel! That’s me up there! On prime-time TV! To me, that is a great description of what it is to be non-binary. I have male bits but draw inspiration from the female world. I’m neither and more. To see that in a prime-time 6:30 PMish Saturday night flagship TV show, well I cried. One of the great icons of modern British culture is like me. I’m not alone.

I never felt this way before I identified as non-binary because I identified like most male people in the world, and they’re everywhere. Constantly, everywhere. When you step away from that you notice how little representation there is. Cafes, bars, books, music, film, comics, where am I? How do I stop feeling alone and hated by the world? I rarely see myself out there unless it’s someone attacking someone like me. If you haven’t spent time as a male-bodied person walking around wearing a skirt and makeup, you can’t know the reality of the world. I never did. It is truly shocking, and scary.

Doctor Who is standing in front of the world saying “Non-binary, not something to fear” in the hope the world goes “You’re right.” This is what it has been doing for decades. The Doctor is always fighting oppression, systems, governments, fascism, and hatred, and trying to make the world a little better.

“The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views…which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” - 4th Doctor

I feel like I’m seen as one of those facts that people would like to alter. Yet the show has been saying for 60 years that change is normal. It occurs at any point in your life. It may not be convenient, it may take you a minute to recover, but change is normal. The entire premise of the show is based around transition.

“Life depends on change, and renewal.” - 2nd Doctor

“We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve got to keep moving forward, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” - 11th Doctor

"We’re capable of the most incredible change. We can evolve while still staying true to who we are. We can honour who we’ve been and choose who we want to be next. Now’s your chance.” - 13th Doctor

That they chose to portray an honest view of what life is like for trans and non-binary folk is fantastic. It’s just in there amongst the wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff. Is it perfect? No. I’ll bloody well take it though. It’s 1,000 times better than having some writer make a book about a male-bodied serial killer who wears dresses. As a writer, you could write anything and I’m so glad Russell T. Davis wrote this show. Allons-y!

“Never be cruel. Never be cowardly. Hate is always foolish. Love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.” - 12th Doctor

A frozen snow-covered lake sits amongst snowy hills and mountains.
A frozen snow-covered lake sits amongst snowy hills and mountains.

Transporter room

A river runs through a snowy Welsh town.
A river runs through a snowy Welsh town.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Pledge your support to this newsletter or drop a tip in the tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

]]><![CDATA[Is The Doctor neurodivergent?]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/is-the-doctor-neurodivergenthttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/is-the-doctor-neurodivergentSun, 03 Dec 2023 17:08:11 GMT
A frost covered tree in winter against a frost covered landscape.

Captain’s Log

Today is the International Day of Persons with Disabilities. There’s no cake. No discount on heating. There is the eternal struggle of making those rich abled people realise just how important helping disabled people is. Yay? It should be default because when you use your power and wealth to help, it makes a difference. Apple made a lovely video showing off the importance of their Personal Voice feature. This feature allows you to make a digital version of your voice because who knows the future? It’s such a simple, little feature buried inside your phone and when you need it is life-changing. More of this please wealthy powerful folks.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a wander around the middle of Wirral over 10 years ago when it was properly cold out. I used my old Panasonic GF1 camera. Fun little thing.

An empty road where all the trees and bushes are covered in icy frost.

Stuff!

Christmas Prints! There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

For subscribers, there’s 30% off with coupon code: HelloComp23

If you enjoy this newsletter you can pledge your support. If enough people do so I’ll feel confident enough to enable subscriptions and feed my cats.

Subscribe now

Is the Doctor neurodivergent?

Is the Doctor, from Doctor Who, neurodivergent? What do we mean by the term neurodivergent? It’s a term to describe someone who is autistic or has ADHD/Dyslexia/Dyspraxia/Dyscalculia/Dysgraphia/Down syndrome. I would describe myself as neurodivergent, as I’m autistic and I have ADHD. I’m not neurotypical, which is a person who does not have these conditions. They have an everyday brain that lets them get things done, pay bills, and generally not get distracted by shiny things.

Could The Doctor be neurodivergent? Well, they’re an alien. It’s hard to diagnose an alien from my couch, oh and it’s a TV show. There’s the issue of whether the Doctor is neurodivergent or just written that way? In science fiction, there is a trope that the alien is played in a way that could appear to be neurodivergent to appear different to the humans. Spock in Star Trek, for example, could also be described as being neurodivergent. Logical, emotionless and doesn’t quite get humans. If he was super into trains he’d be a classic male autistic stereotype. Let’s assume, for the sake of me writing this, that Doctor Who is a documentary (I mean, it is isn’t it) and we’re seeing a real person, not an actor running around the quarries of Wales pointing a toy at rabbits. What do I see?

I see is someone, who if human, may have neurodivergent traits. I’m seeing social interaction issues, attention issues (cybersquirrel!), hyperactivity, autistic special interests, ability to deep dive on topics and go off on wild tangents, honesty, companionship, and someone who makes interesting fashion choices that “normal” people don’t understand. As the majority of the world is neurotypical it is easy for them to see the Doctor as an alien. What I see, is me. Many times I’ve felt like an outsider or someone from another world simply because my brain isn’t typical. When I see the Doctor interact with humans, I see myself.

Who I see is someone confident in who they are using their talents to do good. If they are neurodivergent, they’ve gone all in. They embrace distractions and in letting their imagination run wild in a good way not a catastrophising way. There’s no moping around about how they don’t fit in because they’re an alien. While I sometimes feel that way, I am human on a planet covered with humans, The Doctor never fits in because they’re usually the alien in the room. They’re just themselves. Unapologetically themselves. No attempt is made to fit in. At one point the Doctor’s companion, Rose, asks why he has a northern accent. His reply “A lot of places have a north.” The Doctor is simply who they are. Each time they regenerate they take a beat to figure themselves out, and then… acceptance. That’s them. They’re The Doctor. Allons-y!

I can certainly see myself in the Doctor in a way that I can’t in Star Trek. As a kid, I saw a lot of me in Data, but that roboticness was me masking in a way to protect myself from the world. When everyone around you is neurotypical, when you don’t see yourself anywhere you do feel alien. Nothing makes sense. Everyone else seems to get how to live but I had no idea how to exist on this planet. So I shut myself away behind a mask. It’s taken decades to undo that.

This is why representation matters, even if it’s seeing a bit of yourself in a fictional time lord flying around in a phone box. Every one of us needs to imagine we can be better than we are by seeing someone like us do good, be confident and have fun. That’s what I see when I see the Doctor. A possible version of myself that is more confident in who they are.

I’m making progress. I’m trying to mask less in my older age. Knowing that I’m autistic with ADHD means I know why certain things happen to me. There’s a certain logic to my life now, or at least an understanding. So I can accept that, I can accept myself because I can explain why I am the way I am. Timelord? No. Neurodivergent, yes. You can call me, The Photographer… Said in that way it sounds cheesier than the moon, and yet there are many times when I do identify myself as “The Photographer”. But while I may dress like a time lord, but I’m not cool enough to have my pronoun be the definitive article. Or am I?

The Doctor may or may not be neurodivergent. They may be a TV trope or they may be written by neurodivergent people hoping to see a little bit more of themselves on TV. Who knows? What is important, to me, is feeling like my issues are useful. I don’t have to save all of time and space. I just have to be me. A silly autistic non-binary person with a little time machine, my camera. Easily distracted but always curious. Being different is great, and bowties are cool.

A frosty field where the trees around the edges are covered in white frost and the powerline pylons are also white and frosty.

Transporter room

A road winds through a wintery landscape. On either side of the road are tall trees.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend. New subscriber? View the archives online.

Pledge your support to this newsletter or drop a tip in the tip jar.

petes out 🖖 Instagram

A vintage car sits alone beneath large wintery trees.
]]><![CDATA[Depression. What? What?! WHAT?!]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/depression-what-what-whathttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/depression-what-what-whatSun, 26 Nov 2023 19:45:36 GMT
At dusk, through a rain-soaked window on the Mersey Ferry, the Liver Building appears.
At dusk, through a rain-soaked window on the Mersey Ferry, the Liver Building appears.

Captain’s Log

Christmas Prints! Ding ding ding. Come and get em. There are photos from Eurovision, Iceland, New York, and various trips around Europe.

For subscribers, there’s 30% off with coupon code: HelloComp23

Christmas Prints!

Also, I’ve enabled Pledges on this ’ere newsletter. They’re a way of me asking if people would be OK paying for a subscription. If people start pledging I’ll know I can invest more time into extra features. It would be nice to build up to having a healthy subscriber base on HelloComputer as it takes me a day/day and a half to make each issue. That time needs to pay for itself as I have cats who like being fed. So let’s see how pledges go for a while.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

A man sits at the front of the ferry with a coffee. It is sunny, early morning, and the light is pouring through the window. The Liver Building is outside.
A man sits at the front of the ferry with a coffee. It is sunny, early morning, and the light is pouring through the window. The Liver Building is outside.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from various early morning ferry trips ‘cross the Mersey. Loved that early light.

Depression. What? What?! WHAT?!

My foot sprain is not getting better. Coming up to 6 weeks now. I was pain-free this week so I caught up with some housework, did 2 photo commissions and now it’s back to sleepless nights and pain. I have to work. I can just about get through a commission which is good because I need money. A lens broke recently too. One of the cheapest, but still.

Between the foot sprain and my arthritis, I’m catastrophising. If this is me at 45, how do I get to 85? 6 weeks of lying on the couch has been worse for my mental health than physical. I can feel the depression I had 2 years ago, waiting. The other week I was telling my wife I was doing good. No depressive feelings. Now? I can feel it rolling around at the back of my brain.

It’s hard to fight at this time of year. It’s the “most wonderful time of the year!” Aw, the baby Jesus. Big daddy Santa. The warming glow of capitalism. People are simply having a wonderful Christmas time. It’s like the entire world is saying “Why so glum glummypants? Just unglum yourself. Smile!” I’ll get right on that once I’ve set fire to your shirt and asked you to smile.

Blergh. Woe is me, or as autocorrect cheerfully attempted “Wow is me”. Maybe me is wow? So my knees are toast, my foot hurts, my headphones are failing and a lens just broke. I was still able to photograph a queer event filled with amazing people and I’m being commissioned to do photography. I’m managing to pay the bills and do some good for my clients.

That’s the thing, right? A way to fight depression, do good. I know it sounds like inspirational quote nonsense but it’s basically what the therapist told me 18 months ago. Even if you don’t feel like it, do things. Tick off your task list. No matter how small a task. Do some good and feel a sense of accomplishment. It takes time, but it helps.

Speaking of time, as I write this it is Doctor Who Day. If there’s one thing the show teaches you it’s to have hope and believe in yourself. Also, remember to not blink near statues. Mainly, hope and self-belief. Sure it’s a fictional character but isn’t it better to believe in yourself and hope things will get better than to not? Of course, you have to do the work too. That’s what you see the Doctor do. Believes in him/her/their self and has hope for a better future. It’s not about time travel or technobabble. Watch the episode “The Eleventh Hour” and you’ll see a Doctor without their stuff solve problems with self-belief and a fair bit of running around.

So, maybe I need to take a minute. Refresh my glass half full of self-belief and hope things will improve if I do good things. Alonss-y, as the Doctor would say… No, I’m not sure I believe that. It’s all too nice, too self-help book. Maybe it works but I’m too depressed to see the value of it. My therapist would probably agree there. I’d love to believe it can work. I’d love to watch an episode of Doctor Who each morning and then get to work filled with inspiration and self-belief. Life doesn’t work that way though. All my energy is currently going into dealing with pain. Wow is me eh?

I wrote this on the bus into town on Doctor Who Day feeling, well I’m sure you can tell how I felt. In pain both mentally and physically. It hurt to go to an event, but I did. It was fascinating. My brain started being less depressed and more interested in the work. My wife and I went home and watched a new episode of Doctor Who. I cried. I felt seen and my brain was alive with positivity because of what was going on. Alive!

It felt good to cry, to feel. Depression numbs you so nothing seems worthwhile. You have to fight that. Easier typed than done. I’ve been there. Many times, I’ve been there. I’m trying to be elsewhere now and it might actually be working. If I could somehow trigger my brain to feel this way each morning, the things I could do. I could make a cup of tea because it actually felt worthwhile doing so. Life would be amazing, or perhaps doable.

Depression. Fight it. Keep fighting it. Every day, every moment. Talk to people and find ways to fight it. Have hope that the next thing you do will either be a nice cup of tea or watch an amazing new episode of your favourite show. Keep fighting. Allons-y!

Two men stand talking inside the top deck of the ferry on an early morning ride to Liverpool. One man is wearing a hi-vis green jacket and there are red plastic chairs glowing in the early light.
Two men stand talking inside the top deck of the ferry on an early morning ride to Liverpool. One man is wearing a hi-vis green jacket and there are red plastic chairs glowing in the early light.

Transporter room

The Mersey Ferry crosses the river at sunrise. The sun is a giant star shining through the window of the ferry. A man looks out the window towards the waterfront.
The Mersey Ferry crosses the river at sunrise. The sun is a giant star shining through the window of the ferry. A man looks out the window towards the waterfront.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

A man sits on the upstairs deck of the ferry while a pigeon walks past.
A man sits on the upstairs deck of the ferry while a pigeon walks past.
]]><![CDATA[Trans Awareness Week 2023]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/trans-awareness-week-2023https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/trans-awareness-week-2023Sun, 19 Nov 2023 14:00:40 GMT
The Barbican in London. A man stands at the bottom of a brutalist outdoor concrete staircase.
The Barbican in London. A man stands at the bottom of a brutalist outdoor concrete staircase.

Greetings

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic writer and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a wander around London back in 2015. I haven’t been for a wander around London in nearly 4 years. I miss it.

Barbican in London, 2015. A man walks along a corridor inside the Barbican. There are plants hanging all around the corridor.
Barbican in London, 2015. A man walks along a corridor inside the Barbican. There are plants hanging all around the corridor.

Captain’s Log

My silly foot sprain is making me miss sunrises. Blergh.

Trans Awareness Week

Are you aware that I’m non-binary, and that identifying as non-binary means you fall under the umbrella of being transgender? Awareness raised! I imagine a lot of people aren’t aware. It wasn’t until a few years ago when my ADHD brain had a thought, which led my autistic brain to want to read everything, which left me going “Huh. It me?”

Having access to information made me more aware of who I am. It was useful. Did I spend my days hanging around with queer folk only to dress like them to win their approval? Nope. Had I seen #TransBucketHatChallenge trending on Ten, the social network formally known as Twitter, and wanted to join in? Nope. I was simply curious and the information was out there to read. I came to a conclusion and embraced what it meant to me.

What it meant was that I now go out, every day, in a skirt and makeup. Most days are fine. Everyone stares. Every time. I find it oddly empowering. I love it when someone sees me, then whispers to their partner and they both look back to take a look. I’m aware of these moments and I meet their gaze every time. “You’re not gawping for free. I see you.” Sometimes a gang of men, who are still primary school lads because the patriarchy is their friend and lets them be dicks, will be a bit much for me to brush off. Once, only once so far, has someone actually said something hateful to me. They were very aware of me and they made me very aware of their hatred towards me. One simple word said so casually.

It hasn’t put me off wearing skirts. like to think that the way I present to the world is a queer act of rebellion, a colourful fun way of raising awareness. Some people ask why I’m dressed like I am and that opens up a nice conversation. At least once a week someone says something nice to me. It’s hard to process because I spent 90% of my life being bland and never getting compliments. “Nice use of black everything. Really goes with your liquorice.” Now, strangers are surprisingly nice people.

In an unexpected way, my new rebellious punk look in an attempt to raise awareness of non-binary folk has led me to be aware of the power of a simple act of kindness from a stranger.

Barbican in London, 2015. From an elevated corridor the view opens out over the inside of Barbican. There are many floors with plants hanging down from them.
Barbican in London, 2015. From an elevated corridor the view opens out over the inside of Barbican. There are many floors with plants hanging down from them.

Transporter room

London, 2015. People walk past a building. On the wall across from the building there is a criss-cross shadow.
London, 2015. People walk past a building. On the wall across from the building there is a criss-cross shadow.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Share

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London, 2015. A man sites alone in a bit of sun.
London, 2015. A man sites alone in a bit of sun.
]]><![CDATA[Do I have time left for a career?]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/do-i-have-time-left-for-a-careerhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/do-i-have-time-left-for-a-careerSun, 12 Nov 2023 18:11:08 GMT
From the top of the Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool, the sun sets over the city. The view reaches out across the River Mersey across Wirral and out to the Liverpool Bay where there are wind turbines.
From the top of the Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool, the sun sets over the city. The view reaches out across the River Mersey across Wirral and out to the Liverpool Bay where there are wind turbines.

Greetings

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic writer and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a 2009 trip up the Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool. Amazing view.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the arena to Beetham Tower including the Royal Albert Dock, Museum of Liverpool and the 3 Graces.
Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the arena to Beetham Tower including the Royal Albert Dock, Museum of Liverpool and the 3 Graces.

Captain’s Log

I haven’t been out much in recent days. No morning swims, bike rides or wanders to Pokemon gyms. I sprained my big toe a few weeks ago and it is taking an age to heal. I had hoped to start a vlog on my new swimming journey for this newsletter. Unfortunately, I can’t walk the distance back home if I swim somewhere, and it is taking a long time to find a wetsuit that fits properly. The foot will heal. It always does and by then I will have a wetsuit that fits. Stay tuned.

Do I have enough time left for a career?

I had my Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis 5 years ago. Slowly, I’m learning to understand what that means. How do I make changes to my life? What is the future? What does it mean for work? It’s a slow learning process. I’ve lost big jobs by trying new coping strategies. I feel annoyed and regret over that, but there is every chance the jobs would have been too chaotic and overwhelming for me. I’ll never know if they were the kind of jobs that push you or break you.

Now I have a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder type Innatentive (ADHD) I can see myself in 5 years’ time being in a similar position. Making adjustments and failing in many ways. It may take 5 years to put new foundations in, and a further 5 to build on them. That would leave me with 10 years before retirement age to have a working career.

Crumbs.

10 ish years. My university friends will have had 40+ years. I know I shouldn’t have stayed in the computing industry. I wouldn’t have had the experiences that have shaped my life. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Yet here I am, in a moment of weakness while the kettle boils, pondering my future.

A future I have little real control over. It’s like swimming in a strong current. I can improve at that, but I can’t change the current. I may get swept out to sea and drown before I get to my last 10 years of work. Yay, upsides.

While I am not going to worry too much about this (ha! - future Pete), it does make me hope for a better future. Imagine being able to go into your adult life with the same grounding and self-awareness that your average neurotypical person has. We’ve got to make the future better for those behind us. No regrets about my past, but pondering how to avoid it in the future. Hopefully, projects such as this can offer people insight into the life of an autistic adult with ADHD so that younger people can better plan for their future.

Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the edge of the arena to Liver Building including the Royal Albert Dock, Museum of Liverpool and the 3 Graces.
Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the edge of the arena to Liver Building including the Royal Albert Dock, Museum of Liverpool and the 3 Graces.

Transporter room

Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the Royal Albert Dock to Liver Building including the Museum of Liverpool and the 3 Graces.
Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the Royal Albert Dock to Liver Building including the Museum of Liverpool and the 3 Graces.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Share

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petes out 🖖

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Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the Museum of Liverpool to the Liver Building.
Dusk. The lights of the city are on. This is the Liverpool waterfront from the Museum of Liverpool to the Liver Building.
]]><![CDATA[Moon migraines]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/moon-migraineshttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/moon-migrainesSun, 05 Nov 2023 19:56:10 GMT
A kid engages in a lightsaber battle with a grownup at night during Blackpool Illuminations.
A kid engages in a lightsaber battle with a grownup at night during Blackpool Illuminations.

Greetings

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a recent trip to Blackpool, during the Illuminations.

Large monstrous creations are illuminated in purple colours against the backdrop of Blackpool Tower.
Large monstrous creations are illuminated in purple colours against the backdrop of Blackpool Tower.

Captain’s Log

At the age of 45 I’ve come to realise that one of my migraine triggers is the moon. I get Moongraines. I’m not exactly sure what the trigger is, but I have had enough of them to notice the pattern. Migraines occur around full moons. How do I compensate for that? It’s (gesticulating wildly) … the moon! I can’t, which means that this week I had a migraine.

It was a bad one. The worst I’ve had in 20 years. Was the moon closer than normal? Are the Clangers up to something? Who knows. What I do know is it’s left me with a bad case of brain fog and I have been unable to focus enough to write.

So, no big story this week I’m afraid. Let’s see what next week brings.

A sign saying I heart BPL glows in front of large monstrous colourfully lit illuminations.
A sign saying ‘I heart BPL’ glows in front of large monstrous colourfully lit illuminations.

Transporter room

People walk through domes of green lights on the promenade in Blackpool. The tower is lit up.
People walk through domes of green lights on the promenade in Blackpool. The tower is lit up.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

A group of people play with a purple light on the beach at dusk.
A group of people play with a purple light on the beach at dusk.
]]><![CDATA[Blocking distractions]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/blocking-distractionshttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/blocking-distractionsSun, 29 Oct 2023 14:01:12 GMT
A collection of colourful LED lights hang in front of a dusk sky looking out to sea.
A collection of colourful LED lights hang in front of a dusk sky looking out to sea.

Greetings

Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a commission in Blackpool for artists Amigo and Amigo as part of the light installation festival. It was nice to stop and look at a cloud of lights set against the backdrop of the sea.

A circle of colourful LED lights against a blue sky.
A circle of colourful LED lights against a blue sky.

Captain’s Log

In an attempt to mitigate issues from one medical condition, I inadvertently created another. This week I have mostly been recovering from Achilles tendon issues. It’s not all bad. I got to photograph comedian/artist Johnny Vegas. I even made him laugh.

Distrctions

Continuing my inward look at how ADHD affects me and what I can do about it, I gave some thought to managing distractions this week. Previously I have written about how to use Safari Profiles in macOS Sonoma (also available wherever you can install Safari 17)and iOS 17 to put my mind into a productive workflow. I have one profile for work and one for personal. It helps me reduce the chances of bumping into personal thoughts during work time, and switch off from work after. This has been useful, but it doesn’t stop me from opening a website and losing focus.

Another Apple feature, Screen Time, can help block distractions but it’s more about reducing access than blocking. You set limits. 5 minutes for Instagram. 10 minutes for Mini Motorways. If you need more you can push through the block. This is a system based on the idea that it’s too easy to sit on your phone all day, so maybe your phone should stop you after an allowed time. Fine, but not what I need.

Instead of getting real work done I became distracted by this idea and looked into ways to reduce being distracted. I found an app for macOS and iOS (Other apps may be available) called Ochi.

Ochi was built for people that want to quickly block distracting apps & websites, at the press of a button.

  • Block access to iOS apps, Mac apps, and Websites

  • Filter websites by category, including Social Media, Chat, and News

  • Schedule Recurring Filters. No more social media on late weeknights!

  • Apply multiple timed or untimed filters, with different rules

  • Limit how often filters can be temporarily suspended

  • Lock & hide sensitive filter details

  • Assign shortcuts to filters that turn on Focus and filters on other devices

  • Integrate Ochi into your workflow with Shortcut automations

  • Sync filters between iPhone, iPad, and Mac

  • Themeable widgets for quickly starting a filter

It is a subscription app, and becomes useful when you subscribe as it unlocks scheduling, suspending filters and website categories. You can also specify what website to redirect to when your concentration lapses. I am tempted to set it to Dennis Nedry finger wagging. The subscription is £20/year and isn’t too bad for me right now assuming this app helps.

I’ve set a schedule for weekdays, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. During lunch, I can pause that for 10 minutes to play Wordle with my wife. So far, the system works.

Screenshot showing how many distractions Ochi has blocked today. 10 so far.

Not only does it block websites but it also blocks applications. I have it set to block gaming and media apps. Right now it’s taking a lot of my concentration not to open GeForce Now and see what Cities: Skylines 2 is like. Just 10 minutes? Right? Right??? I’ve found my muscle memory hitting Option+Space to launch Raycast quick launcher, typing Infuse (my Plex video client) and waiting to find something to watch. Only nothing happens and then I remember. It’s work time.

I’ve only been using the app for a few days, but I am finding it useful. Due to an ongoing foot issue, I’ve been working from the couch this week. It’s hard to feel like you’re at work on the couch. Ochi has helped keep me on track… mostly. My brain is trying to find new websites to be distracted by, but at least I can add them to the block list.

A cloud of LED lights hangs over a promenade at dusk as people walk underneath.
A cloud of LED lights hangs over a promenade at dusk as people walk underneath.

Transporter room

A net of LED lights in front of Blackpool Tower which is lit up with rainbow colours.
A net of LED lights in front of Blackpool Tower which is lit up with rainbow colours.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

Subscribe now

Share

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petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Blackpool Promenade at dusk. A net of colourful LED lights hangs over the prom as people walk beneath. In the distance Blackpool Tower is lit up.
Blackpool Promenade at dusk. A net of colourful LED lights hangs over the prom as people walk beneath. In the distance Blackpool Tower is lit up.
]]><![CDATA[Autism and ADHD]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/autism-and-adhdhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/autism-and-adhdSun, 22 Oct 2023 13:00:54 GMT
A group of people standing in the River Mersey as a strong sunrise illuminates the morning sky.
A group of people standing in the River Mersey as a strong sunrise illuminates the morning sky.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a lovely chilly dip in the River Mersey as the sun came up. The next few months will be a lot of fun for dipping.

Sunrise colours reflected in the choppy waves of the River Mersey
Sunrise colours reflected in the choppy waves of the River Mersey

Captain’s Log

In an attempt to mitigate issues from one medical condition, I inadvertently created another. This week I have mostly been recovering from Achilles tendon issues. It’s not all bad. I got to photograph comedian / artist Johnny Vegas. I even made him laugh.

Autism and ADHD

In the morning I have a coffee, which doesn’t appear to affect my ADHD. So I have a cold shower and that wakes me up. I follow up with some fresh new music, Doom Loop by Dream Nails. I feel ready and excited for the day. Dopamine powers activate!

We head to the supermarket and it’s chaos. Everything everywhere, all at once. People. Products. Deals. Machines. Babies. Adults. Trollies. Lights. Camera. Shutdown. It’s a mess. I tried to decide between ciabatta bread and panini, a simple choice, but I appeared to be making it at a bottleneck point for trollies. It was a mess and I felt like I was the cause of the problem and needed to leave. I wasn’t. It’s just how I feel sometimes, like I’m in everyone’s way. I felt pressured and I couldn’t make a simple decision. My autistic sensory issues did not like this space.

Being autistic with ADHD is complex. My autistic side loves to hyper-focus on topics, but only when my ADHD side is really into it. Otherwise, my ADHD side wants to look out the window for squirrels. Some days my ADHD side is excited to get out into the world, but then it’s too bright and there are too many people around. My autistic side shuts me down.

My brain is constantly fighting itself. There are times when it all clicks. Working as a photographer in the arts I love new experiences. I get to photograph music, dance, galleries, people, and interesting objects. My ADHD side is curious and my autistic side wants to know more. I really enjoy those experiences. Learning, exploring, playing with light and the sense of achievement I get from seeing a photo work on the camera screen. It’s great. I’m happy being autistic with ADHD.

Life, for me, is a constant process of questioning and understanding who I am and how I function in the world. Having formal diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and ADHD means I know I have these issues to live with. Life makes more sense now, even if it feels like a more complicated balancing act than it should be. “I just want to… but I can’t.” I know why I should avoid certain moments and go all in on others. Shopping at peak hours can ruin my day. Going to a museum with a camera can make me feel like I can function as a human. Slowly I am understanding my place in this world. Slowly.

With a hint of the sky, sunrise is reflected in the choppy waves of the River Mersey
With a hint of the sky, sunrise is reflected in the choppy waves of the River Mersey

Transporter room

A man swims towards the city of Liverpool as the sun comes up.
A man swims towards the city of Liverpool as the sun comes up.

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Share

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

A man does a handstand in the River Mersey at sunrise. Only his legs are visible.
A man does a handstand in the River Mersey at sunrise. Only his legs are visible.
]]><![CDATA[Identity, family and adoption]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/identity-family-and-adoptionhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/identity-family-and-adoptionSun, 15 Oct 2023 13:02:17 GMT
Tree branches lie on the ground in a dark woody area.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from a walk around a wood not far from where I was born. I know almost nothing about how I came to exist. Did my birth parents ever go here? It’s… odd.

A small Welsh pony wanders through a field.

Captain’s Log

I tried really hard this week to finish my thoughts on banking and ADHD, to make a decision and try these new tools I found. Unfortunately, I saw something shiny and ran after that instead. Life with ADHD is really, really, really, … squirrel.

Identity and adoption

Am I searching for community, connection and a better understanding of myself through those lenses because I’m adopted? Have I spent my life trying to figure out my birth? Is there anywhere that I’m connected to, or have I had to adopt everything I know?

My adoptive parents were kind and loving, but due to the actions of the Catholic church in the 1970s, I can’t help but feel a little messed up by the start of my life. They forced my birth mother to carry me to term and then give me up through shaming. Absolutely the wrong way to support a single mother. It’s odd to be in a situation where I am 100% for people’s rights and abortion, knowing that with the right support my birth mother may have aborted me. Perfectly normal way to start your life. There is no way this could have affected my connection to humanity at all.

My adopted dad was born in England but of Irish heritage and identified with his Irish side, his blood, more than his place of birth. For me, I identify as Welsh. I was born there, therefore I am Welsh. Yet I stayed for a short time before the adoption process was complete and have lived in England for 99% of my life. My birth mother, as far as I know, wasn’t Welsh. Legally I’m Welsh. Culturally I’m English but grew up with an Irish connection. When I stop and think, I’m not sure what culture I am. British? Even my accent is dull and unplaceable, but that could be an autistic trait.

I wonder if this lack of identity is what draws me to find community, only to not be able to connect due to autistic social anxiety. Is it ADHD being interested in something for just a moment and the reason I can’t connect is because my ADHD is already looking for a new thing to be excited by? Overthinking is an autistic characteristic. I may already have connections to communities in the way I want but I’m unable to feel it because I’m anxious and overthinking. Being me is fun.

Continuing to overthink, there are times when I wonder whether my disconnect from family, both found and related, is due to unprocessed adoption issues or autism and social anxiety issues. Knowing that my existence was an accident, that my birth mother was coerced into giving me up, and growing up with no “family” connection to lineage or culture has left me feeling like an outsider. What even is family? Again, this could be my natural autistic side that loves to question everything.

What I know is that like the film ‘Superman: The Movie’, I opened in 1978. You will believe a baby can cry. Unlike the movie, there’s no backstory explaining my origins. I was gifted to a lovely family but they couldn’t tell me who I was. Autism is genetic. That comes from somewhere. The rest? No idea. I self-identify as trans non-binary. That is something I have unconsciously felt for years and through lockdown came to process. I know that is me. I see myself in other non-binary people. I’m a Star Trek fan. I see myself in Trekkies. I’m a wild swimmer, a gamer, an Apple fan (boy/girl/enby?), and a cat owner. I see myself in those spaces but I never see myself in the world in the way everyone else does.

A large tree lies fallen on the ground in a dark woody space.

Transporter room

Another tree has fallen in a dark moody forest.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Share

Backlit tall grass stands in a dark moody forest environment.
]]><![CDATA[Managing money with ADHD]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/managing-money-with-adhdhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/managing-money-with-adhdSun, 08 Oct 2023 20:02:47 GMT
Boats bobbing around in the harbour at dusk. A statue of a person stands on a stone monument.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are photos from a trip to Nessebar, Bulgaria 10 years ago. Lovely place. Avoid the area near by called Sunny Beach. It’s a manufactured space for English people. Ugh.

A nun and a woman in a swimsuit walk past a "VIP Striptease salon" on a beach

Captain’s Log

Captai’s log. Carrdate, today. I’ve been workshopping the idea of making my own personal Slack for business reasons. What if I could connect various tools I use for business and funnel all the notifications via Slack? For one I could have a good log of business events, but I could also mute Slack when in down time. This could just be a distraction from work or it could be a way to be more efficient at work. I’ll keep pondering.

Managing money with ADHD

I am awful at managing anything. I’ve spent years trying and trying and trying only to continually fail. Money is one of those major areas where I have trouble, and it’s not helped by being self-employed. There is no regular income whereby I can plan for. My life would be better off with a steady salary, budgets set in place and consistency. Unfortunately being undiagnosed autistic for most of my life meant I couldn’t work a 9–5 for “reasons”. So I built my own 9–5 and here we are. Diagnosed with a to-do list of problems split across multiple to-do apps.

Since getting my ADHD diagnosis a few weeks ago I’ve been thinking about money. The other night it occured to me to see if any banks are offering useful features. Good news! There are. Monzo and Starling, two which I looked into switching to about 3 years ago (ugh), come recommended by people with ADHD. They are both free to use and have additional features if you pay. At this point I can’t say which is the clear winner. People on Reddit have various opinions. Monzo does have a good list of blog posts and articles on how they can help with ADHD which is more than Starling.

The main features they offer for ADHD / neurodivergent people (btw I heard the term neurospicy recently and kinda like it) are;

  • Pots (Monzo / Spaces (Starling) - allow you to automatically save into separate spaces to organise your money

  • Budgeting facilities - with Monzo you can set spending budgets

  • Both Monzo and Starling are on Github. Nice.

  • Monzo has a community forum but I can’t find one for Starling but there is a Starling Reddit (4,500 members), and a Monzo one (14,800 members).

  • Virtual cards - Free on Starling / Paid on Monzo - you could have a shopping-only card so you can save for the weekly shop and take money only from that pot

  • Joint accounts on both as long as both people have a separate account on that platform

  • From someone on the Monzo forum - “I find Monzo plus to be worth the £5/month. The live budgeting really helps with impulse control and helps you see the route to recovery when you overspend on something.”

I can see a lot of those features being useful to me. Having the ability to put money into as many virtual accounts as I want, so I can better plan for tomorrow, is helpful. What would be even better, and I don’t know if banks offer this, is to automatically put 30% of an incoming payment directly into a savings pot. What I could do with is a money-saving AI, but a good, safe and secure one.

I like the idea of virtual cards attached to pots/spaces so I could put aside money for beer and only see that account’s balance instead of thinking I have “loads” of money. Both banks have good budgeting facilities to help you manage your money and show you what you’re spending it on.

Issues

  • Monzo doesn’t support receiving international payments for business users and recommends Wise

  • I saw one person on Reddit say that Monzo sometimes tries to upsell you on the Plus / Premium accounts

  • Monzo’s European fees are free up to £200/month outside EEA (3% thereafter) and free up to £250/month inside EEA (3% thereafter) whereas Starling has no limits or fees

  • Starling doesn’t do personal loans and Monzo doesn’t do business loans

  • Open Banking Support is a Plus/Premium feature on Monzo so you can see all your accounts in Monzo. Starling doesn’t appear to offer this feature. I use MoneyWiz to see all my accounts at once and tell me how bad things really are.

  • To pay in a cheque with Monzo, you must mail it to them. I’m used to scanning it with my banking app. If I have to mail something, that’s not getting sorted anytime soon. Starling offers scanning via app.

  • Monzo doesn’t support Samsung Pay but does support Google & Apple Pay. Starling supports all three.

  • To use Monzo Business with a 3rd party accountancy app like FreeAgent, QuickBooks or Xero you’ll need to pay for a Pro account. It’s free with Starling.

Which is best?

I’m finding it hard to choose. Monzo says that they designed their service for people like me and from some users’ comments I can believe that. Monzo has a lot of blog posts on their site, more users on their Reddit and lots of videos on YouTube. There’s tons of support out there for it.

One autistic user mentioned that they prefer Starling for its clarity. My feeling is that Monzo is best with the paid Plus account for £5/month, but you can get close enough with a free Starling account. Starling might be better for my business account as it can take international payments and has free connectivity to my accountancy software, FreeAgent.

I’m leaning towards Starling. The logical thing to do is try Starling for work and Monzo for personal and see how they do.

FYI, searching for Starling and ADHD on YouTube brings up a lot of ASMR videos by someone called Starling ASMR. Hard to find anything useful there. There are plenty of Monzo videos on YouTube.

More info

A beach in Nessebar. There's a yellow boat moored by some rocks, and lots of beach umbrellas out.

Transporter room

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

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A man in odd black and white lined trousers stands on a bench holding a guitar while a woman films him.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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The local life guard, complete with beer belly, carries life preservers.
]]><![CDATA[Getting my ADHD diagnosis]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/getting-my-adhd-diagnosishttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/getting-my-adhd-diagnosisSun, 01 Oct 2023 13:01:58 GMT
Close up of the Liverpool waterfront in the morning silhoutted against the sunrise. The tide is in.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autisticwriter and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are photos taken on my new iPhone 15 Pro Max Sugar Daddy Edition processed in the style of Daidō Moriyama.

Mersey Ferries Seacombe linkspan bridge at high tide in black and white.

Captain’s Log

My birthday was lovely. I mean it was a sandwich of happiness with an anxiety jam filling. A lovely start to the day with a chilly river dip amongst friends, followed by a mild panic over clothes and decision-making, ending the day with tiramisu in the company of my wife. A classic birthday.

Christmas soon eh? Woo! Tis the season to get stunningly stressed over the best way to ruin a roast all because we absolutely must celebrate the birth of Jesus who was born 6 BC… That’s 6 Before Christ. But, TRADITION! Ah, we’ll get to Christmas. Mark my words. We will get to Christmas.

ADHD diagnosis

In early 2021, I started streaming after a few months of watching people on Twitch. After a while, I recognised that the way I interacted with my audience was not too dissimilar from that of ADHD streamers. Knowing that there is a Venn Diagram for autism and ADHD I asked my doctor for a diagnosis. After waiting to get on the waiting list, and waiting 2 years, I got my diagnosis. ADHD type inattentive. Basically, ADHD without the H, hyperactivity. It’s taken a while.

What does that mean? You’re a nut! You’re crazy in the coconut! What does that mean? That boy needs therapy I’m gonna kill you, that boy needs therapy Play the kazoo, let’s have it tune On the count of three That, that, that, that, that boy.. boy needs therapy.

Sorry, got distracted by a song lyric. If there was ever a song that displayed ADHD it’s Frontier Psychiatry by The Avalanches.

2.5 years to better understand yourself at the age of 45. Do I wish it had come sooner? Absolutely. I’m doing 20 things all at once and getting nothing done. I have been for years. I’m not getting anything done. Time blindness makes me late for too much which causes me to rush around which triggers anxiety and then depression. The whole out of sight out of mind object permanence thing means I will completely forget about everything that isn’t in front of me, even stuff I love. I’ve been updating my website for years, trying to blog new work for years, never having the time to update Instagram, send invoices, or do anything important.

At 45 I feel like I’m just starting out. Now I know I’m autistic with ADHD, now I understand why I could never manage money, my diet, my health, and my life. Now I can start to work with my issues instead of comparing myself to neurotypical people and sinking into depression, at 45. Blergh. Maybe…

I could have got a diagnosis sooner by going private but I don’t have £300 to drop on a whim that might not pay off. Even if I did, you can’t get the medication on the NHS for free, so you have to spend £100 a month on it. I don’t have that extra cash. So, I waited. Now I’m on a 7-month waiting list to start medication. It may not help and it could worsen my anxiety, but it may actually help. I might be 50 by the time I’m just getting a handle on it. Listening to people on podcasts, I may never get a handle on it.

If you’re curious about fees, the company I was referred to has a price listing page.

Where next? I have to work on this by myself. Better focus on task and time management. Annoyingly I’ve already forgotten about the Pomodoro time management app I tried 2 weeks ago. Ugh. I need to rebuild my phone into a focus machine. If I could only stay focused long enough… squirrel!

I’m happy with the diagnosis. I’ve been living with it for 2 years as a self-diagnosed ADHD person, but now I know it’s real. It’s good to have that information. Other than access to possibly helpful medication I didn’t think there was any real benefit to knowing. The psychologist informed me of the UK’s ‘Access to Work’ scheme whereby, with a formal diagnosis, you can get access to funding which could pay for an ADHD coach. Useful maybe? During peak Covid times I was able to get a booster before my wife because I was officially diagnosed as autistic. I would suggest you speak to your GP if you are curious. The waiting list is probably longer now and there is a global shortage of medication. Good news is that may not be an issue by the time you’re diagnosed.

What now? On top of trying to get anything done, I have to work on trying to get anything done. Good job I can focus on

Clouds move over the River Mersey as the tide rolls in. A street sign is silhouetted against the sky.

Transporter room

At low tide, underneath the Mersey Ferry terminal, two young men are fishing.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

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The Liverpool waterfront in black and white in early evening light.
]]><![CDATA[With great power, comes no future]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/with-great-power-comes-no-futurehttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/with-great-power-comes-no-futureSun, 24 Sep 2023 16:54:46 GMT
An Asian man looks over the canals of Venice as ships go by.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic writer and photographer identifying as non-binary with ADHD and sprinkles on top.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are film photos from a trip to Venice in 2014.

A couple of men drag some chairs along a street in Venice next to a canal.

Captain’s Log

It’s my birthday this week. In the past I found birthdays problematic, but this year I think I’m OK with my existance. More on that another day, along with the ADHD diagnosis and 5th anniversary of the autism diagnosis.

Across the Spider-Verse

I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes listening to the soundtrack to ‘Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse’ with tears running down my face. My wife and I watched the film the other day. It is fresh in my mind and my ADHD wants to explore everything about it, which is cool but not why I am crying.

* Spoilers ahead **

This is a wonderfully animated film with incredible visuals that connect to the story. It is a story about accepting yourself, your own power, overcoming fear and in part, dealing with the reality of coming out to your family. In the case of one character their parents initially reject them, but they are able to reconcile later. While this is a film about people and even animals who were bitten by a radioactive spider, it is also a film about identity.

Why I’m crying is because I loved the first film so much. I run to the soundtrack, to this day. I saw this film 6 months after getting my autism diagnosis. It was a film about coming to terms with your abilities and finding your own strength. I saw meaning in that. Watching the sequel I saw it from an LGBTQ+ perspective. Spider-Woman / Ghost Spider aka Gwen Stacey is trans-coded. Whether she identifies as trans or an ally is unknown, but her world is certainly trans-coded from the colour palette to the “Protect Trans Kids” poster on her wall. Beneath the whacky Spider-Man hijinks is a story of coming out to your family and how complicated it can be.

I’m crying because this movie has been banned in certain countries because you see that “Protect Trans Kids” poster on screen for 3 whole seconds. 3. These countries are denying trans kids, trans adults, allies, and even enemies from seeing beauty. “Oh no! Got to keep the world like me because I’m a moral compass”

People are fine with characters, and even a fucking talking pig, self-identifying as a spider but asking them to protect trans kids is a step too far. It’s not even asking, it’s a poster on someone’s wall in the background. They miss the entire damn point of the film. “Less of this trans nonsense and more talking pig please.”

“With great power, comes no future” - Spider-Punk

It makes me angry, but mostly sad. 3 whole seconds is too much for some people. Three damn seconds! There are countries so afraid they can’t handle the idea of trans identity for three entire seconds. I’m furious, yet I have to let that anger go. If there’s anything a superhero film teaches you, you need to find a way past the anger or you can become the villain.

For the trans kids, and trans adults in those countries, I hope you’ve seen this film. I hope you can take away this message from it.

“Everyone keeps telling me how my story is supposed to go. Sorry, I’m doing my own thing.” - Miles Morales

A woman in a red top and black trousers walks off a vaperato water bus in Venice.

Transporter room

At the side of a building, people are reflected in the window. There is a lamppost and 2 women chatting by the waters of Venice.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send it to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

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A bald man with a beard talks on his phone as he passes water taxis in Venice.
]]><![CDATA[iOS 17 from a neurodivergent perspective]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/ios-17-from-a-neurodivergent-perspectivehttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/ios-17-from-a-neurodivergent-perspectiveSun, 17 Sep 2023 18:43:36 GMT
The moon rises behind clouds looking like a spacial anomaly over the city of Liverpool.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic(awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from the recent Super Blue Moon. It wasn’t very blue but it was quite super.

Super blue moon rises through the clouds over the Liverpool waterfront.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Captain’s Log

Gosh it’s been a busy week. Fun, but busy. The big news is I got my ADHD diagnosis on Saturday. ADHD type inattentive. I will write more about that another day, but it is good to have the reason… squirrel! Sorry. It’s good to checks iPhone delivery date to see if its changed and goes on to look at USB C cables

A little while later… So, it’s good to know why I get distracted and find it hard to get anything done.

Lots to ponder and discuss. Stay tuned.

iOS 17

Overview

iOS 17 is coming. It launches on 18th September to every iPhone from the XS onwards (XS, 11, 12, 13, 14 and 15) along with iPadOS 17 for;

  • iPad Pro 12.9-inch (2nd generation and later)

  • iPad Pro 10.5-inch

  • iPad Pro 11-inch (1st generation and later)

  • iPad Air (3rd generation and later)

  • iPad (6th generation and later)

  • iPad mini (5th generation and later)

macOS Sonoma launches a week later on the 26th.

I’ve been using iOS 17 and macOS Sonoma for a few months, and the beta has been fine. No buggier than a normal non-beta OS. There’s a whole bunch of new features, improvements and fun things. Here’s a quick overview of what I’ve found useful as a neurodivergent person.

Even more accurate autocorrect

Autocorrect delivers even better support as you type. Autocorrected words are temporarily underlined so you know what’s been changed and you can revert to the original word with just a tap.

The new autocorrect system is good. It shows you a faint word ahead of what you are typing if it thinks it knows where the sentence is going. All you do to complete it is hit space.

Adaptive Audio on AirPods Pro 2

Unfortunately, I have AirPods Pro 1. I haven’t been able to test these new features, but they er… sound great.

With an entirely new listening mode for AirPods Pro (2nd generation), Adaptive Audio dynamically blends Transparency and Active Noise Cancellation to tailor the noise control experience as you move between changing environments and interactions throughout the day.

Personalised Volume uses machine learning to fine-tune your media experience based on your preferences over time and the environment around you.

If you begin speaking to someone nearby, Conversation Awareness automatically lowers any media volume, reduces background noise and enhances the voices in front of you.

I can see a point in the future where AirPods Pro are essential for everyday use by autistic people to prevent sensory overload.

Health App

New mental health and vision health features provide powerful insights.

Built into the Health app is Mood Tracking. I’ve used various apps over the years that have similar features and while they seem useful, the issue I have is I forget to use them. Even with notifications turned on, I ignore them and regret subscribing to the app. At least with them being built into the OS I won’t be losing money by ignoring the notifications.

Mood Tracking asks you 2 questions. How do you feel right now or how do you feel today ranging from very pleasant to very unpleasant? After that, you go on to explain why you are feeling that way by selecting from a list of subjects like work, identity, partner, hobbies, etc.

It’s basic, but it is good to have built into the phone. The problem is that nothing is done with the data. Something for iOS 18 or 19? Apple Health can show you how your physical fitness is trending but right now it can’t help with your mental health. I hope that in the future it can remind me that a 30-minute workout will have a positive effect on me because the data I’ve logged proves it has before.

Accessibility.

Assistive Access distills apps and experiences to essential features to support those with cognitive disabilities. Personal Voice helps people with speech loss create a voice that sounds like them, and use it with Live Speech to communicate in calls and conversations. And Point and Speak makes it easier for people with vision disabilities to interact with physical objects that have text labels.

Point and Speak works well. It will tell you if the text is upside down and when your hand is detected. It is enabled via the Magnifier app, and then tapping on the [] like button.

In the “Motion” section of Accessibility, there is a toggle for “Dim Flashing Lights” which can help reduce the effect of strobing or flashing lights. Not everyone thinks to warn people in their TikTok/YouTube videos, so it’s nice to see the OS step in and dim the lights.

Personal Voice is a way of teaching your phone your voice so that if something renders you speechless, you can use your phone to speak for you. No one ever expects that this will happen so I would suggest taking the time to set it up. It takes 15 minutes of saying random phrases to your phone, and then a few hours of background processing to put it together. Once done, you can use type to speak via an Accessibility setting to type messages and have your phone “speak” in your voice.

The results are noticeably robotic but, recognisably you.

Safari Profiles

Safari Profiles are brilliant. They let you create a work and personal profile to help you separate work browsing from personal browsing. I have them tied into my Work and Personal Focus Modes which means at 9 AM on a Monday my phone switches into Work Focus Mode and anything I was randomly looking at over the weekend is hidden in Safari.

I have found this incredibly useful for helping me stay focused. If I open Safari during a Work Focus Mode I only see recent work tabs and tab groups. I have groups for writing newsletters, client ideas, research, etc. When I “clock off” in the evening my phone switches to the Personal Focus Mode and I can see my tab groups for video games, fashion, random ideas I’m looking into, etc. It has helped me not get sucked into work so I can let go of something stressing me out and not see it until I need to the next day. As a freelancer with 1 phone that I use for personal and work activities, it is very hard to keep those separated. It all blends and you often feel like you’re always at work.

At certain times of the day, my Apple ecosystem switches from Personal to Work. Everything changes and syncs. My Apple Watch face switches from Snoopy to a Pride one with lots of useful information for the workday. My iPhone’s Homescreen changes showing different apps and widgets. The Lockscreen also changes wallpaper and widgets. Even my email app, Outlook, switches to show my work email account and hides my personal one until the Focus Mode switches back.

After decades of computer use, I finally have built-in tools to separate freelance work from downtime. I’m glad these tools exist and that Apple is updating them.

Other useful features

Check In automatically notifies your friend or family member when you arrive at your destination, such as your home.

You now have the option to blur sensitive photos and videos before you choose to view them. This feature will be available in Messages, AirDrop, Contact Posters in the Phone app, FaceTime messages and third‑party apps.

Journal

The Journal app looks intriguing but it hasn’t been in any of the betas so far. Apple says it is coming later this year. Maybe it will be part of 17.1?

Using on-device machine learning, your iPhone creates personalised suggestions of moments for you to remember and write about based on your photos, music, workouts and more.

I have been using Day One for my journaling needs for a very long time. While I don’t do it often, it’s very good. I assume Day One will be better than Apple’s Journal app as it has integrations and automations with external services. For casual journaling, Apple’s app might be good enough.

Thoughts after a beta summer

It’s another solid update to iOS that helps me be focused and productive. I recognise the importance of stopping work and doing other activities rather than work work work. Having my devices hide all that and show me fun things instead is great. Similarly, when in work mode I have quick access to tab groups for accounting or publishing.

The health features need more insights and maybe one day my phone will be able to suggest useful changes to my life. I’ve got over a decade of workout info in there, do something with it.

Bit by bit my phone is becoming a real PDA that can help manage my work life, keep me productive, manage my physical health, keep track of my mental health and with great accessibility features it helps me interact with the world. This tool with all that data on me, can only get more useful as technology progresses.

Links

Super blue moon rises through the clouds over the Liverpool waterfront. The river is calm and the reflection of the orange moon stretches across it.

Transporter room

Super blue moon rises through the clouds over the Liverpool waterfront. A tug sails down river.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

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New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

Thank you for reading Hello Computer. This post is public so feel free to share it.

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Super blue moon rises through the clouds over the Liverpool waterfront.
]]><![CDATA[Have I found a way to deal with anxiety?]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/have-i-found-a-way-to-deal-with-anxietyhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/have-i-found-a-way-to-deal-with-anxietySun, 10 Sep 2023 19:01:21 GMT
Inside a large cathedral space hangs columns of rainbow coloured light.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic(awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from an arts project called “Identity” by Peter Walker. It was the largest display the Liverpool Cathedral has put on.

From an elevated vantage point looking directly at the rainbow colours of light.

Captain’s Log

Summer seems to be ending today. It’s not been the warmest of summers but at least it has ended well. We’ve had our final BBQ of the year, final big swims and sat out in the sun at a local cafe enjoying cake. Winter is coming. It will be cold but at last there are some good sunrises to come.

This they can

Last time on this ’ere newsletter… “Can I let it go? Could I swim 2 miles across the River Mersey?” I would love to say that in the week since then I’ve done it. I kicked anxiety out my head and swam across the Mersey. I would love to say that but the Mersey is dangerous and it is best swam with a safety pod and safety boats.

However, I can say that I swam the distance of the Mersey in the safety of our marine lake. It’s a 2 mile swim which I nailed on Saturday, and then repeated for funnies on Sunday. I’m fit enough to swim the distance of the Mersey but not within the window required to get across. Progress.

More importantly I swam for 2 hours each day in the lake where a few months ago I could manage minutes. My anxiety was triggered by a variety of issues meaning I couldn’t swim away from the boat launch incase I needed to get out. Swimming was mentally draining back then. Every few minutes I would knock something like a stick, a jellyfish, or Jaws. “Keep pushing” I told myself.

I pushed hard this week. The lake had a lot of seaweed in, and like jellyfish it is harmless but “AHHHH A THING!” Previously I’ve tried being curious about the water rather than fixating on the scary aspects, as I discussed a few months back about whether anxiety can be unlearnt. Stay focused on the beauty of the task rather than worrying about what I can do later to fix it. This is helping, a tiny bit.

Music has helped this week. While I don’t use waterproof headphones to listen to music, I do have memories of songs I like. I recalled some and repeated them over and over in my head. Michael Jackson’s (a problematic person I know) “Beat it” for example. Not a song about overcoming anxiety but I kept telling myself to just “Beat it!” I kept focusing on that. Only that. “Beat it. Beat it. Beat it.” Anytime my mind wandered I brought my attention back to those lyrics and carried on. Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing in the name” also helped. “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.” I told my anxiety that over and over. I’m refusing to be anxious. Any time I bumped into seaweed I refused to let anxiety affect me. I kept swimming, kept pushing.

This they can.

Focusing on the songs was a form of mediation. Acknowledge something has happened, bring your attention back to the present. Don’t let your mind wander. I listen to the water, sing the songs and push on.

There is every possibility that this is all circumstantial. Maybe the water was calmer? Maybe there are less jellyfish triggering me? Maybe drinking less caffeine this week helped? It’s very possible I’ve not progressed at all. Except, I know I have. There are pontoons in the lake that some people swim under. For years I’ve feared them. What if I get stuck? No-one can see me and I’ll drown, obviously. In an effort to push myself and prove that I can deal with anxiety I swam under the pontoons, twice. Progress! Actual evidence to suggest I can overcome anxiety, face my fears and swim more.

I’ve often wished to be the kind of person who runs excitedly into the water instead of slowly walks in and acclimatises. Maybe there’s something to be said about running in instead of giving your anxiety time to get in your head? Should I start running into the lake while shouting “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!” I should go all in and wear the thong too. Take that anxiety! This they can!

*might not wear the thong - but I should

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Standing beneath a bridge in the cathedral there are people crossing it to get a good view of the rainbow columns.

Transporter room

Standing beneath the rainbow columns as the fill the cathedral floor to ceiling.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Instagram / Facebook / YouTube / Twitch

New subscriber? View the archives online.

If you enjoy this newsletter you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

A couple look at the pink columns of light from the elevated vantage point.
]]><![CDATA[I can't do that...]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/i-cant-do-thathttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/i-cant-do-thatSun, 03 Sep 2023 19:02:34 GMT
People with toe floats swimming across the River Mersey. There are safety boats in the area and the skyline in the distance.

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic(awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from the 2023 Across the Mersey River Swim event.

Thanks for reading Hello Computer! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Captain’s Log

We’re back on Substack. A lot of the old posts have been imported, and there’s plenty of tidying up to do. I need to look at all the new features and figure out what is good for this newsletter / community?

Orange dots in the water are toe floats from swimmers. There are hills way off in the distance.

I can’t do that

I write a lot about anxiety because it feels ever present. Going out in a skirt gets me noticed. For the most part I’m OK with that, but there are days when I don’t have the energy to nip to the shops for fear of what may happen. I love to swim, to glide through the water like a boat, but I’m constantly on edge. When my hand knocks a twig in the water I leap out of my skin like a surprised cat. After a decade of open water swimming you’d think I would feel calm.

My anxiety peaked around summer, or the months previously known as summer. The local lake was filled with harmless jellyfish and I couldn’t handle it. Today I swam for over an hour, and the same for yesterday. In the “summer” I struggled to do 10 minutes. There’s no issue in the lake. Jellies are harmless. I know that, and yet my body is in flight mode. That’s the battle, the one with myself not the jellyfish in their home.

This year I’ve realised that it’s not specific moments triggering my anxiety. Anxiety is always there and can affect me when I swim, shop, or work on a commission for a photo client. It’s always there. This year has been a wakeup call to deal with anxiety rather than read about how to deal with anxiety. To see the impact it is having on my life and the countless times I think “I can’t”.

“I can’t.” Yet, in many ways “I can.”

The other day I stood on the banks of the River Mersey watching 160 people swim across it. It is a treacherous swim in a river with the 4th largest tidal range in the world. If you’re not fit enough and run out of energy the current will take you into dangerous places. The weather was lovely. Low wind, blue skies, and warm. Perfect conditions for the swim. A tiny part of me wished I was doing it, a tiny part.

I stood there watching the swimmers, seeing them struggle against the current and thought “I can’t.” I stood there wearing blue fishnet tights in a miniskirt with purple lipstick on with a big blue beard thinking “I can’t do that.” I had no anxiety about how I present myself to the world, in a way that is flamboyant and not what most people wear. That I can do, but to swim across the Mersey? I can’t do that. Yet, how many of those swimmers would look at me and think “I can’t do that.”

Today I read about a Swikini. A bikini swimsuit with a built in midriff to hide any body issues you may have. I’m glad it exists to help more people get in the water, but I would hope that the people who need that can find it within themselves to overcome their fears, as I did with social anxiety. I no longer fear standing around shirtless with my stretch marks on display while I air dry at the beach. Years ago I would have needed something like the Swikini and now I don’t. Has the world got better? Have I lost weight? No. I have proven to myself that there is nothing to fear.

“You have to let it all go Neo. Fear, doubt and disbelief. Free your mind.”

Can I let it go? Could I swim 2 miles across the River Mersey? Pre-Pandemic my fitness levels were getting me close to being able to. Physically I could get there. I’ve ran a marathon. Can I get my anxiety under control to do so? I want to believe I can because I will be better for it. When you get into trouble in the water the RNLI teach you to float to survive. It’s the panic that kills you, not the water.

While chatting with one of the swimmers who could swim across the river he said “Next year?” I pondered it and he held up his little finger. “Pinky swear. Next year.” I pinky swore. I can do this, at least I’m going to try. Even if on the day it’s too much for me I’ll at least be better than I am today.

This they can.

Maybe…

People battle against the currents in the River Mersey to swim back to shore.

Transporter room

Two men hold hands for stability as they exit the water.

End program

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.” Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send to a friend.

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Two people embrace after finishing a 2 mile swim.

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]]><![CDATA[Issue 195 – Can I wear a thong to the beach?]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/can-i-wear-a-thong-to-the-beachhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/can-i-wear-a-thong-to-the-beachSun, 27 Aug 2023 18:00:00 GMT

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic (awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.

If you enjoy this newsletter, you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

If you would like to send feedback, reply to this email and I’ll get it.

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The photos in this post are a wander around Sussex Prairies gardens.

Captain’s Log

Sorry this one’s a late. I went from a few days off on the South Coast to a fun all day photo commission to being unable to see due a migraine to my internet connection breaking. It’s been a thing... 

In other news, my hosting costs have doubled. As such I'm going to rethink this newsletter setup I built and move back to Substack. I'll let you folk know when it's all back on Substack. I thought the process would be easy but it never is. Thankfully you don't have to do anything. 

Small pottery works painted white and orange act like flowers in the grass.

‌

I put my arse in a thong for research purposes

FYI, there's a sketch of me in the thong at the end of this piece. Thankfully I'm not good at drawing so it's not very good. Just so you know, there's the idea of a bum later on. 

Have we lost the freedom we once had to be silly, to be outgoing, to be ourselves in public, or is my anxiety stuck on yellow alert? There are times when I wonder what it must be like to run naked through a field or forest, to then jump into a lake and swim around. I never have because I've been conditioned to believe that there is always a camera phone nearby. It’s no longer a worry about an individual judging you, but the entire wrong side of the internet might be watching and judging.

I’ve lived with this fear all my adult life. Social anxiety. Essentially, the fear of being embarrassed in public. It took me a long time to feel OK shirtless at the swimming pool without worrying people would call me a fat slur. Even longer still to reach the point where I am happy to swim in tiny speedos on a public beach. I’ve had strangers call me fat for no reason other that I was walking past them. It’s hard to get over that.

I partly wear tiny speedos when swimming to feel confident in how far I’ve progressed and to feel connected to the water. I could feel the ice-cold splashes on my skin and the pockets of warm water randomly dotted around the lake. That feeling of gliding through the water as I picked up my pace, beautiful. It was nice to be silly and splash around in the cold waves, to feel confident and not to feel socially anxious.

One day, while at the beach, I looked around to see what swimwear was in fashion and I noticed that the beach thong was still a thing. Gender being a construct, I pondered, “Could I wear a thong to the beach?” In an attempt to challenge my anxiety and become a confident human, I decided I could and I bought a thong. An actual thong. One made for a male body, just in case bits flopped places. I had cover up front and a soft breeze brushing my bum cheeks. A human bum for all to see. Curves in all the wrong places, sculpted by beer, chocolate, carbs, and years sat at a computer.

A year after buying the thong (a year!), I found some courage and went to a beach to find a new level of confidence. I know I should thong like no-bodies watching, but we live in a world where everyone has a camera. For years, people have been photographing and filming everything they find good and bad, to then share online. This trend has peaked with TikTok. Almost every time I open the app, I am presented with a video of someone doing something, filmed by a stranger. Every day life is now content. If I walk down the street in a skirt, someone may film that so their audience can pile in on the judgmental laughter. When TikTok shows you this day after day, you believe it's normal behaviour and repeat it. While I take steps to go to a quiet beach, it only takes one passer-by with the idea that filming strangers is normal to film me. I may have my arse out, but they're a massive dick.

How is anyone supposed to feel confident and overcome social anxiety when there are always cameras watching them? (Says the photographer) Always people staring and judging? Of course, it's not possible to know if someone is negatively judging you when they stare. That may be your anxiety running wild, and it is best to challenge that, to believe that they are impressed by your confidence. When someone holds a phone in a vertical position as they walk past you, are they filming you or simply holding their phone? I try to tell myself that they're holding their phone and not filming me for TikTok. I try my best to believe that the world is good, but I know it’s quite often bad.

Google recently added a feature to alert you if your personal details ever leaked online. Smart, but I think we need to go a step further. What if we had a system that could detect if you are in someone else's content? Face detection should be enough to go on. If the system finds you, it could give you the power to discuss the content with the creator, thus giving agency back to the people subjected to the camera's gaze. Until that technology is created, tested and deemed privacy safe, people may continue to live in constant fear of standing out. I can’t imagine it’ll be quicker to educate people to be kind.

Maybe when such a feature exists we can go back to only worrying about the 5 people on the beach, not the 50,000 on the internet. Perhaps then I will bare my bum on the beach for body positivity because it felt great wearing a thong. Fantastic to swim in. It felt like skinny-dipping without flashing merfolk. Standing around on the beach in it, feeling confident having pushed myself that bit more, was a joy. Of course, the cost of that is strangers saw my bum. It shouldn't be an issue.

I have, unfortunately, stepped into the great beyond, and it's hard to go back. I’d love to be able to wear this every time I swim, even at home. However, there is only so much anxiety I can handle. Occasionally, I just want to go for a swim. I have not got the energy to fight every battle from my doorstep. I need a place to recharge, where I am safe. Maybe one day I'll wear it at home and my arse will be the stuff of legend, an inspiration to all. They will create a mural of me in a thong looking at the sea with hope in my heart, beer in my belly and confidence in my caboose. It will be quite a thong to behold.‌
‌

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A sketch of a male body in yellow outline, with a blue thong on.

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A stained glass window sits in amongst tall grass on a sunny day.

‌

Transporter room

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A bush with green, brown, purple and yellow leaves against a cloudy sky.

‌

End program

New subscriber? View the archives online.

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.”‌
‌Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Mastodon / Instagram / YouTube / Twitch

A close up of a few acorns in a tree.


]]><![CDATA[Issue 194 – Being in the Guardian]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/issue-194-being-in-the-guardianhttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/issue-194-being-in-the-guardianSun, 13 Aug 2023 18:56:00 GMT

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic (awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.

If you enjoy this newsletter, you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

If you would like to send feedback, reply to this email and I’ll get it.

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The photos in this post are from Liverpool Pride, 2023.

Captain’s Log

We’ve had some lovely weather this week which has meant only one thing! It was sunny.

As a result of the sun my wife and I have enjoyed morning swims and BBQs. Mixed into that has been anxiety. Yay. Hello old friend. Times when I’ve visited a city have been complex. Noise, lights, chaos, they’re all bad for my sensory issues if I’m not in the bestest of places. Liverpool Pride last week was perfect and I got a good series of photos. New Brighton Pride tomorrow should be a lot of fun. I can do things! Yay. That said, going for a meal in a nice restaurant nearly broke me due to the little changes that occurred. Ugh. Some days being autistic is just not as fun as the brochure made out.‌

A group of trans people and allies march through Liverpool wearing rainbows and trans flags. In the middle a trans woman has a "Queer all year" t-shirt on.

Being interviewed for a national newspaper about anxiety

Recently, an article went live on The Guardian looking at people who have faced anxiety head on, so they can enjoy open water swimming. I was one of those people featured in the article. The other stories are incredible, and I can’t recommend the article enough. So how did this all happen?

hops into timey wimey machine

A few years ago I wrote an article for the Maritime Museum in Liverpool, but before that, I was writing this very newsletter. The people at the museum had seen my work and commissioned me to write a piece we called ‘Waves of anxiety’, which was about anxiety and swimming. In it, I was very honest about how the activity never cured me, but it helped me better understand my anxiety.

Open water swimming showed me that there were things I could do that others couldn’t. I could outlast manly men in cold seawater. The kind of people who were probably good sporty types at school, the kind who maybe picked on geeky kids like me, couldn’t handle the cold water like I could. It was fascinating. I used swimming as a way of pushing myself and tried to come to terms with anxiety. While I couldn’t, and as yet haven’t, overcome it when in the water, I found my confidence grew outside of it. I got to know people and I became comfortable with people seeing me in speedos rather than hiding under layers of clothes as I did in my 20s. After a long time, I realised that I was dealing with anxiety in ways I never expected, and I had progressed.

The writer for the Guardian saw this article and wanted to interview me for the paper. They also sent a photographer to spend a couple of hours with me on the beach getting photos. Now, the Guardian has a complex history of not being the best ally to trans and non-binary people. I was apprehensive. After discussing the risks with friends, I decided I would rather not turn down an opportunity to help others dealing with anxiety because I let fear get the best of me. I believed and hoped the article would do more good than bad. Having seen the full article, I’m so proud of it, and I’m sure it will do good.

I had a 30-minute interview which touched on various subjects around social anxiety, school, swimming, and community. A few weeks later, we had the photo session, and it was surreal being on the other side of the lens for a few hours. I saw myself in the photographers, which put my photographer brain at ease that I wasn’t failing at my job (hello anxiety), and it helped us bond over shared interests. Time flew by, and the whole thing was a lot of fun. The beach was littered with jellyfish, the bad kind, so we didn’t do too much in the water. They literally washed up as we were working.

The experience has been fascinating. It challenged me to question my prejudice against the media and whether I want to be someone who is outraged by their mere existence or not. Cancel everyone! RAAA! While there are people out there writing badly researched articles about trans people to push a narrative of fear, not everyone is that way. If I carried that outrage in my heart, it would be passed on to others. I’m trying my best to be aware of that and prevent it. Curiosity not fear, that’s how I feel I beat anxiety and learn to enjoy life and spread joy… and find time for sarcasm. Woo. Yay.

2 years after starting this newsletter, I was commissioned to write about anxiety. 2 years after that, I was interviewed and photographed about anxiety. Both these articles are from real respectable companies that I feel legitimise the work. They allowed me the space to be myself and hopefully others see that. It also teaches me that you really do have to keep swimming. When I started this newsletter it was to help, and by not doing it I can’t help people. Every so often, it’s tough and anxiety gets the better of me. After a while, you look back and see that you’ve actually done good work, put the effort in and gone to places you never expected to go.

I’m not going to suggest everyone takes up trendy breathing techniques and dives into an ice bath. I’d like to believe that if you chip away at your anxiety, it can only be good for you in ways you can’t imagine. Be OK with it taking years, and years, and years.

And years…

Keep pushing. I’d say you got this, but I barely got this, so maybe one day you got this, OK?

A person waves a trans flag themed fan during a march.

Transporter room

‌

A person in a black and white striped open shirt with their chest partly exposed, smiles and holds a sign saying "They/them causing mayhem"

End program

New subscriber? View the archives online.

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.”‌
‌Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Mastodon / Instagram / YouTube / Twitch

A black person waves to camera while holding part of the UK's biggest trans flag. They have a rainbow set of dungarees on.


]]><![CDATA[Issue 193 – Daydreaming]]>https://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/issue-193-daydreaminghttps://hellocomputer.substack.com/p/issue-193-daydreamingSun, 06 Aug 2023 18:53:00 GMT

Greetings

Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic (awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.

If you enjoy this newsletter, you can tip me on Ko-Fi or buy prints.

If you would like to send feedback, reply to this email and I’ll get it.

Viewscreen

The photos in this post are from Eurovision earlier this year. How fun was that?

Captain’s Log

It’s been a week. Phew. 9 days ago I was photographing the re-opening of galleries in the Walker Art Gallery. After that was Pride where I photographed the march through town, made some portraits, saw a lot of proud bums on display (yay for body positivity), and then photographed the Pride event at the Royal Albert Dock for them. A day of editing and an evening of live comedy followed. Monday, and back out there for the Walker photographing the refurbished galleries. Tuesday was editing and Wednesday to Saturday was documenting a play by disabled theatre group Unmute. Phew! It’s been a good 9 days.

Daydreaming

As a kid in primary school, I was diagnosed with daydreaming. My parents were called in to discuss the issue because I wasn’t paying attention in class. It was deemed an issue to be resolved, and I was advised not to daydream. At the same time, I was writing stories and enjoying it. These two activities were never encouraged.

I wonder if today, with a better awareness of ADHD, would the discussion have gone differently. Would my parents have been told that your child really loves to dream and write, maybe encourage that?

What I’ve learned over the years is to dream, and to follow those dreams. As long as you’re not harming anyone, follow your passion because it will come across in the work. Let people be free to daydream, even during class. It could be it means they need a different way to work, so go explore that.

A woman in a rainbow sequin dress with a sunflower hat takes a photo in front of a stage.

Transporter room

‌

A woman in a Ukraine flag watches a live act on stage from the crowd.

‌

End program

New subscriber? View the archives online.

“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.”‌
‌Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. I’ll be back. Feel free to subscribe or send to a friend.

There is no paid subscription to this newsletter but there is a tip jar.

petes out 🖖

Mastodon / Instagram / YouTube / Twitch

‌

A man wears a mask of Sam Ryder smiling on their back as they walk through a crowd.


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